Everything’s changed, everything’s the same

It’s been over a month since I last wrote. In this time so much has happened. Let’s see, the boys started school. Heather and I were rocky. Then I realized that I needed to get back into midwifery. Heather and I agreed to that. She went up to Boston with her mom. While I was here alone with the boys, I decided to go off to El Paso to check out Maternidad La Luz. A week after she got back to NY, I flew out to El Paso. In TX, I learned spanish. I spent the day at then applied to Maternidad La Luz. I opened my eyes up to my future. I learned a lot about myself. I got back from El Paso. Heather told me that I needed to go to EP by myself. We were strange for a week, figuring out what that meant. She went back to Boston with Chris, to get some things we needed. She came back and we finally figured it all out. And then we started having a lot of sex. And here we are, October 18 2008.

I had no luck while looking into NY midwives previously, the one midwife I did get in touch with doesn’t take non-CNM students. SO I began looking more into the fastest/best/cheapest/most comprehensive option for my training. I just couldn’t put it on the back burner any longer. I realized while working at the dept. store that I can’t just put my goals aside any longer. And working at that store, in that culture, was not for me. It stands for everything that is wrong with the world. I hated almost every minute of it. At least I got some nice panties out of it. Plus they paid me crazy money for what I was doing. 

I definitely am not through all the shit yet(there’s still a long time for that yet), I am happy that we were forced to go out of our comfort zones. If we had stayed there, we would just have fallen deeper into the roles and situations that were making us so unhappy. We learned that this conventional life is just not for us. Being married and moms and so “normal” was like a slow unbearable death. Not to say that I don’t love my wife and my family, I just didn’t love how we were living. The mold was really a blessing in disguise. 

Nothing happens by chance. If I doubted it before, I definitely believe it now. El Paso was a very different experience. I had never ever had a chance to travel alone. It’s crazy how that was the longest time I had spent alone in an unfamiliar city. It was great. I was not ready to come back when my trip was over. Part of that is due to what happened. I’ll have to go more into that later, when I have time. But for now I’ll be back on my way to El Paso in November. For one month. Then who knows what will happen. I had set all my intentions on Maternidad La Luz, when I had no assurance that I will be accepted into the program. Part of me is concerned that because of certain actions I took while in El Paso(I’ll get to it), I won’t be able to get into the MLL program for March 09 program(or worse, at all). Not to mention I still have proofs that need to be sent in. They like people to apply 6 months in advance, but the time everything gets in, it’ll be 4 months. If I am accepted I will surely go. And hopefully I’ll know ASAP if I get in or not. I should get my license by early November and will send everything in that’s needed, then it’s in their hands.

In the mean time I am going to Casa de Nacimiento. After attending a birth at MLL, as well as many citas, the obsession is back. I can’t deal with being away from birth any longer. When I applied for the internship I said either Nov 15 or Dec 15, with my preference being the latter. They chose(the greater powers, that is) Nov 15. So soon after the election I suppose I will be heading back to El Paso, only this time by car. Next stop, road trip.

Solo.

When I originally showed interest in MLL’s program, I was assuming that we would all go. After I visited El Paso, we decided that it would be best for me to go by myself. It will be mainly for my benefit I think, but it will also be very much for the benefit of our marriage. We have been so together for 7 years, it’s been almost all great, but our individual selves have suffocated in our togetherness. We both need time to rediscover ourselves, especially since we have both grown and matured in this time. At a certain point I realized that we were just too comfortable sitting in our shit and we needed to get out of it. before we could get out of it, we had to realize just how bad it all smelled. It’s been so hard and there have been a lot of tears in the process, but now things are so much better. We had to confront our roles and what we had grown to expect of each other. Just about everything came to the surface. Pregnancy and kids changed our relationship from what it had originally been. We both realized that we can live similar to how we were before the kids came, we can have time to ourselves. Our children are a huge part of our lives, but they don’t have to be what makes us unhappy. We can be separate and we can come together. We only want to be honest with ourselves and each other, everything else will have to come from that.

This is a new page in our lives. 

 

Unrelated note: Gay marriage is now in 3 US states: Massachusetts, California and now… Connecticut. New York does recognize our out of state marriage however.

Another boo boo…

…for my poor sweet Treyden. We had a little boy, a grandchild of Dorothy’s friend, come over and he pushed Treyden onto a rock. There was seriously something wrong with that little boy. Treyden was completely minding his own business, looking for worms under a big rock. Came over to get up onto the ground by the swingset, and was shoved over. It was tragic, for me, for my sweet Treyden. Oddly enough, however, the little boy wasn’t at all bothered or remorseful for his actions. Unprovoked and intentional. I can’t help but become a mother bear when my little cubs get hurt, and I hope everyone feels this way about their children. I felt as wounded as he was, I could literally feel his pain. Treyden got all bloody, even his nose was bleeding for a time. 

I couldn’t believe how oblivious the grandmother was, and we had no idea previously that the boy was special needs. Nobody thought that it would be important for us to know that. Not that it matters now. 

The only way we could get this woman to leave was to tell her that we were leaving, so we had to go somewhere. We figured we’d start by returning our books to the library. Then possibly the park or something. Didn’t take long for the tension to come out in both me and Alex/Heather. We had a little blow out. Alex took off and I went to the park w/ boys. Two minutes in to the park, Mateo fell and bumped his head. Heather had said before that we weren’t in the right frame of mind, and she was right. I gathered the boys and we left.

I decided easily to go to The Sands Point Preserve. Dorothy cut out a little blurb on it, and ever since, I’ve been wanting to get out there. It’s nice and close, and best of all, Free. I told the boys we were going to the Jungle, and off we went. Mateo went into the sling, I grabbed my snacks, water, and green goodness and we were ready. The trails were easy and clear. We didn’t see any animals except Geese, but at least we saw a lot of them. The wooded area was covered in a vine plant growing all over the trees. I chose the first path off the paved road, and it took us in a straight path to the beach. The gallery has some photos of the big boys at the beach. Mateo was there too, but couldn’t take pics of him in the sling. 

I could’ve stayed there and wandered all day, but as we were leaving the beach to head back to trails, one employee of the preserve informed us that the preserve would be closing at 4:30pm. That information was hugely disappointing. Lack of funds they say. Anyways, we had to skedaddle back to our car so we didn’t get locked in. The boys were off like a shot when I told them there was a crocodile in the little pond. 

I look forward to going back to the preserve again soon, The nature of it really helped to ground me. I am literally itching in my shoes to travel to somewhere more focus on the natural environment. Alex and I talked about traveling more last night, and we both expressed our own concerns with Latin America. Indonesia had been another place we are interested in, so now we are looking into Indonesia, and will likely go with that, unless some better opportunity for us. About 4-6 months in Indonesia sounds good. Maybe if we love it and never want to leave, we’l set up camp and teach english.

Gotta finish now as I’m nodding off as I type. 

Diner was steak tri tip and whole wheat ravioli ad snap peas. Then all the boys in bed by the time the clock struck 8:00pm.

2nd chocolate cake in 4 days…

Where do I start? I made the most bomb diggity cake for my birthday. That’s right, I baked it myself, at least that way I know what went into it. it was delicious. Since we ate it up in about 2 minutes flat between me, Heather, Dorothy, Kesi and Mateo. So tonight I made another one. It’s just as good, but I haven’t made icing for it yet, tomorrow. If there’s any left. 

I applied for my passport, Yay! Hope it comes in soon, Can’t wait, since it means that I will then be able to move my legs a bit. Ready for that. Yesterday I began reading more into Latin America. Heather and I have been talking about doing a drive across america all the way down through Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua,  and Costa Rica, to the Darien Gap in Panama, then ship the car to colombia or venezuela, then continue the drive down to Brazil or Argentina. Can we do it? I have no idea. Are we crazy? Probably. But shouldn’t insanity work in my favor here? The more I think about it and the more we talk about it, the more I know that this is absolutely the right thing for us to be doing right now. I want nothing more for myself and my family to take up life in a tree house in some beautiful  tropical land living and loving, simple and true, working as a midwife to carry my modest life. I don’t know if that is quite the end result I’ll get from this trip, actually that is not the result I’m looking for even. I want to learn how to live with less, live more simply, closer to the earth. It’s time for me to crack out of my eggshell (thank you vagabonding). 

We all went today to visit Gan Shalom, a reconstructionist synagogue close to us in Plandome. The director was nice, a mid aged brown woman. The school was pretty much what we were looking for, activities wise. Playground, indoor gym, classrooms, all great. There was not one black/mixed/ethnic child in the photos posted on her wall. I shouldn’t be surprised, it is a jewish preschool. But it was a jarring difference from Boston. In Kesi’s class at hollow reed, there was at least 3-5x more diversity in every aspect, plus more lesbians, without a doubt. Jamaica Plain is no doubt more accepting of Gay issues than long Island, NY.When Heather and I talk about what we don’t like about NY, it keeps coming back to the diversity issue. And the consumerism is no better, either. It’s everywhere, buy, buy, buy. More, more, more. Bigger=better. At least Jamaica Plain was proud of it’s eco-awareness.

Dinner was Salisbury Steak with broccoli rabe and mac & cheese. I do like cooking in Dorothy kitchen. Just started reading Getting Stoned with Savages, may just move to Vanuatu.

Been away…

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last wrote, lots has happened. After a month working at the department store, I was getting more and more depressed by the day. My understanding of it was that I was unhappy in my marriage and not my self made prison. For some reason, I assumed that the retail position was going to be long term. The thought of that made me very morose. I hate retail and everything that it stands for. Definitely now more than before. I was wanting this and that and I know I don’t need that stuff but it was surrounding me,  I couldn’t resist. And with the discount…

I don’t ever want to work in retail again.

But anyways, On the week of Treyden’s B-day, everyone was feeling unwell, and we were waiting on the results of the mold analysis. Heather was looking/feeling so sick that I told her to just take the Boys up to NY to her mothers for a few days. A few days turned into weeks when we figured out the severity of the mold problem. They reported to us that we have very high levels of a few different types of mold. So our poorly finished basement is currently being demolished. Once they tore it all down, they found the origination of our previous mouse problem. The foundation is al cracked and broken down. To fix the mold problem, we need the cement sealed up. The foundation issue is in the common areas though, so we need to wait for the whole condo to approve it. Blah.

Anyways we are now trying to heal from the sickness that the mold has caused. Most of us are okay, but Treyden has had a nasty cough for a few weeks now. At the doctor last Monday, our pediatrician told us that it isn’t stemming from his lungs and a cough suppressant could take care of it. Maybe the cough suppressant has helped, maybe not. It’s hard to tell, but he’s definitely still coughing, and often. 

Heather and I feel betrayed by that house, and we have no plans on going back. We’ve processed all the issues to be dealt with, and we know now that everything that we’ve come across has happened for a reason. I lost my job at the department store. I hated that job, but liked the security it provided, but if I has stayed there, I wouldn’t be able to ever get back into midwifery. I need to get back to midwifery. I miss birth so. Now I will be making it a direct focus. We will be traveling in the near future and I plan to use the travels as an opportunity to learn more midwifery skills and then get my license. I think that if I plan it right, I could have my license by the fall of 2010. Not too bad at all. Once I am practicing, I will have many more options for making money, where ever we want to be. 

Like I said before we will be traveling soon. The plan now is for about 6-9 month travel: Drive(maybe?) to El Paso to visit Maternidad la Luz. Then off to Mexico, which we will slowly drive through, and spend a few months. We will then go on to Nicaragua and Costa Rica, Brazil and wherever else we are interested in. We also would really like to spend some time in Indonesia, all the beautiful islands. We are keeping the trip very open ended, since we want to be able to go wherever we are interested in. We see this as the perfect time to expand and travel to the places we’ve always wanted to see. Now we just get to bring little ones along. We are hoping to start off in November.

Still need my passport though, tomorrow(I promise!). Getting all the stuff together tonight.

Yummy Sun-dried tomato and spinach pasta with pine nuts, broccoli rabe on the side. Boys ate it up.

Summer Living

Already the end of my weekend. I’m definitely not used to working full time yet. I am lucky to have the two days off in a row, apparently it’s not too common as a sales professional. I made to sure to tell my manager that I needed two day “weekends” so that I could really recuperate. My manager has been great about giving me that, which so far has worked out to give me Fri-Sat off. Also quite uncommon, as the busiest shopping days of the week. 

I have learned quite a bit about selling intimates already. I pick these things up pretty quickly, and feel much more confident to assist customers than I did last week.  

Mainly just wanted to touch in as I haven’t added on in a few days. I’m in process of tightening my hair, which I need to finish before work tomorrow. It’s just time. Dinner was fresh veggies from the garden(pattypan squash, carrots, one baby beet, and broccoli, which was from the grocery store), baked cracker chicken, and bean and cheese pupusas.

New ideas, maybe something worthwhile

So today at work I was talking with a retired nurse. She loved her job and that made me reconsider my nursing school ideas. But that reconsideration only made me re-acknowledge that I DON’T want to be a nurse. I want to be a midwife, and nursing will not fulfill my desire to midwife women. Of course, now is still not he right time to be midwifing, and I’m all but sure that I absolutely want to train to be a midwife in Australia, or overseas anyways. Since we are still in Boston, I may as well make good use of the time here. I am so ready to further my education. I knew I would, it was never a choice, just a decision on when. Now that my family is made, I want to work around it to provide positively for them. So, while at dinner, eating up my yummy chicken and cheese enchiladas, I thought about maybe becoming a chef. Chefs are always useful, and it’s absolutely something I enjoy doing, so I’m looking more into that. I love feeding and nourishing people. 

Another day learning about big box upscale retail, and it’s not a long term position for me, but it pays well enough to carry us through. Turns out that things are not how they originally seemed, but they never are, are they!?!?

 

Also unrelated, another unfortunate person was a victim of careless doctors, operating on the wrong part of a persons body. Even though markers had been placed. All for an elective procedure. It happened at Beth Israel, and apparently it hasn’t happened in years. This is the 5th mistake surgery in the US in 2008! Crazyness.

Gearing up for six straight days of work…

Welcome to a full time schedule. This will enter onto my 2nd week of working for the store “Like no other store in the world”. I am happy about my new job, but it’s not perfect(what is?). I am happy to have moved on from the “Unique” boutique, they seem like they are flailing, but I hope they can pull out on the other side. My new job is a much better opportunity, and something that can carry us until we are ready for something different. My lady is going back to school, and I will be “supporting” the family in the meantime. 

Went for my waxing yesterday, eyebrows, lip and brazilian. Happy to be free of hair again. I forget the pain, but I think that not such a bad thing. The Lady loves it too, more than she ever thought she would. We definitely both enjoy it, the smoothness, with the obligatory(in my opinion) landing strip. I was supposed to tighten up my locks, tonight, but I just couldn’t be bothered. Messy hair for work tomorrow will have to do. Oh well.  

T finished his first week of school yesterday. It was mostly good, much easier than K’s transition. They are such different boys, and both so wonderful in their own way. M is getting in another tooth(finally!), he is still sleeping okay, for the most part, but he is grumpy while awake. 

Had Chicken curry with cauliflower today, and The Lady brought home raspberries and shelling peas from our garden plot. Polished off half a pint of Haagen-Dazs Strawberry Ice Cream. Yum.